awake at night. sleeping on the day. not a rhythm that should be kept. not healthy. I am out of rhythm.
self-destructive behaviours, self-destructive fantasies. that is all I have right now. a lot of people suffer in different ways, sometimes I act as if I was the only one.
it seems like I enjoy it, the suffering. no, I don’t enjoy it, it is obsessive behaviour. I get pleasure from pain, my brain is wired to receive gratification from it. I know that for quite a while now.
and I have time for my elaborate suffering, because I am a student, generously supported by his parents. I need to finish my degree and find a minijob as soon as possible, but I let time float around me as if I could live forever and would never need to finance myself.
but it is not easy to let go. it is a coping mechanism for all the fears that I have. without it I would be even more afraid. or not? I don’t want the change, because it scares me. I think instead of self-deprecation the only alternative would be feelings of grandiosity and narcissism. like jerking off to myself, falling into my own mirror image. either all or nothing. not the balanced growth and life of a healthy plant.
why do I feel pressured to act like an intellectual? because I always was one, the nerdy kid whose parents are academics who value education above all things? because I want to experience innocent teenage freedom? because I want the experience of my body and the emotions as well? I just feel like so much is missing, so much nourishment that my parents could not give me, because they gave me too much of other foods. they meant well, they do not want me to suffer. a perfect family does probably not exist, but pointing to things that went severly wrong is legitimate. at the same time I am grateful for the many things they gave me and the freedom they allow in my life.
I am scared of being locked into a library for the rest of my life. because it wouldn’t be life, only secondhand communication of the experience others made and the reflections they attained. but…that is what I do right now. I spend too much time locked in my apartment, which is not even kept in a beautiful way. I feel to much fear, but it is not only fear. I am stuck in a mysterious stasis, an in-between space, living in the clouds, in a cocoon. I need to say yes to my life and step out of the cocoon. I try to grow, but at this point it will only be possible by experiencing the outside world. I just don’t want to suffer anymore out there, not so much that it unbalances me. I also want to be able and allowed to experience fun and joy. and I am the one who needs to allow it. maybe I still feel chained by the strange authority of my parents, their ideas about society and life. they are strange people, but many people are strange and at least my parents are very educated. maybe I should stop reflecting so much about them and what they might think about me, just as O. said and does himself. but that is it, I feel shame in front of my parents. for doing and having things they do not have themselves or do not really approve of. I would feel ashamed being fit and showing my body in front of them. of wanting to experience the mainstream and maybe even feel a tiny bit popular for once. but that last thing is not really true, or is it? I just want to be accepted by people I like myself, or not?
yes, I am still a very confused boy, but it’s probably nonsense to think that confusion will ever completely disappear, there is no perfect state of enlightenment, probably. I just need to allow myself to go out there, be seen, live life and even to be successful and happy. that is not forbidden. and maybe that is it: my parents are masochists in a way and they handed it over to me. it often looks like my dad can only like women who suffer, who are sad.
but so much for today, I feel tired, it is 6:30 a.m. and I should get a little sleep and try to lead a healthier rhythm today.