no sleep diary entry nr. 2: responsibility

dear boy,

grown up man,

again you did not try to follow a healthy sleeping rhythm. why? because living a structured day means taking responsibility for yourself? means to look for a job and write your university stuff? why do you behave like this, are you really so depressed and scared? it is only you who can change all this! it is you who has to live! to try to live! you don’t even want to die, you are beyond such fantasies. anyway, they just mean a longing for a better life, for an unknown.  you are just ashamed, is it that? ashamed that you are such a little pussy in a grown man’s body? but at one point you have to break the cycle. you did so many things, you know that. you had courage but for some reason it is gone. is it the spoiled child in you? expecting to have everything handed to himself and to have the awkward past eradicated? that is not how it works. and anyway, many people are ashamed of things they did in the past, of their old selves. you need to allow yourself to walk into the future, instead of insisting to live in this strange cloud. even your psychologist seems to laugh at you now, feel bugged by your inability to get the ball rolling. you just need to go out there and act, start to work some random job. yes, you will not get your dream job on a silver plate. that is natural for any young person coming from university. instead of all your fantasies of moving to another city or country, just start living in the city you are in.there is much to discover. yes, maybe you would be happier somewhere else. but right now you are here. yes, maybe moving back to a southern country could be the right choice for you. but first, you need to save some money.

is there much more to say than that? right now I don’t think so. there is not much happening, only thoughts, ruminations. not much more. active life needs to start. it is your responsibility now. take it!

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