dream diary entry nr. 1: fear of change?

I woke up from long, dream-infused sleep. it was not feverish dreaming, not as crazy and dramatic as on some other nights. it seems that there are new things forming internally and after all my fears I am finally capable of slowly rising up to clearer stuff on the horizon.

once I was a sad teenager and young man, somehow a nihilist, rejecting hope and positive currents, hating himself, wanting to die. thinking the world was doomed to sink into apocalypse. (maybe it is, but it is also worth to counteract it with positivity). a lot was going on inside my poor, young brain. thanks to my psychologist it became possible to realize that the good things do exist and that it is not naive to believe so. maybe the chaos, the thoughts and emotions running around wildly are forming into a healthy stream?

what do my dreams mean? let’s look into them…

before they go away…they are already disappearing…

one played in L. walking around near our neighbourhood, on yellow cobblestone. the old, narrow streets, going up and down, dirty and often full of holes, rarely a straight line anywhere. run-down buildings among the ones intact, tiny shops, supermakets and then the main road, broad and long and straight. suddenly surrounding walkers with luxury stores and well-kept park elements and many restaurants. we sit outside one of them, on a long table. my family and other people, their firends. it seems that I am the visitor, returning to the city after an absence. that city I actually think about returning to. but I am not happy, I feel angry and disgusted to be in this run-down place, where everything looks a little poor and tiny and old. suddenly I jump up and run away, full of rage that I cannot contain. I run up that long street, pass tiny supermarkets that disgust me as well. someone follows me, I think it is my sister. she talks to me then, calming me down. we also go inside a supermarket, but I don’t remember if it was before all this or afterwards. there I look at all the stuff inside of the fridges, filled with ice-cream and other things. we buy some of it and also fruits and walk back to the restaurant.

screenshot_20170209_063352

that was one of the dreams. my rage towards the city and therefore the whole country define it. I read it as a sign that I should not return. after all these years I am still angry at the place and all the things that happened there to my life. yes, I miss it sometimes, but the negative things dominate. it is just too small and dysfunctional. I don’t want to see those run-down, little buildings anymore, the slowness, the lack of change. it seems to be changing, actually, but to become a huge hotel. the possibilities there seem to be limited, not like the norhern city and country I am in. on the other hand, it could be heaven on earth, if things were done well. or not? winters there are also not great. grey and rainy, everything is wet and cold, mainly on the inside of the badly made buildings. maybe I should just stay where I am and get my shit together and reach the possibility to travel. I could become a photographer and writer, blogger, journalist.

there was a second dream, but now I feel tired of writing it down in detail. again, important elements were rage and being together with people I more or less know. one of them, an ugly girl, not me, was the one affected by rage and childish behaviour. she really terrorized us. another element was mistrust and disappearance of my things that I locked into a small room. but the whole architecture of the place, which seemed like some sort of cathedral-like hall, had changed. nothing was as before and it confused us all. we could not rely on the place, on it’s safety. we had tried to sleep there, everyone looking for a space on the floor. and the next morning, everything had changed, even the kitchen went away, together with our food.

so, in that case, it sounds like I am afraid of change, about the confusion it could create, about a possible destructive force it could bring about my life. that important parts of me could disappear. and, about mistrust, that I cannot trust the people around me. instead, they cause that disintegration and confusion. apparently I want a certain stability, but I also want change. so it has to be done carefully, not as a violent disruption. and I need to trust and take care of who I let into my life.

I hope that these dreams and the interpretations help me…

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